“Why don’t guys approach me?” — Men owe women nothing, Women owe it to themselves to take more initiative

“Just what makes a woman approachable?

I’m single. I’ve been told I’m cute, or pretty by guys before. Sometimes my friend (who they say looks a lot like me) gets hit on. But never me. I even go out on my errands alone, or hang out at cafes alone (like, go out and eat while reading a book) just to put myself out there. I try to smile as much without making myself look silly. But why won’t people approach me? Why are other girls more approachable than some?

Ps: Before someone says I should go approach others first, it’s generally not easy in my conservative society for a girl to approach a guy first.”

— 6 years ago from 2025

Easy answer: Low risk, low effort, low reward. You get what you put in.

You’re not owed approach. If sitting idle, being decoration with a smile didn’t result in you getting the time of your life, maybe expecting something for doing nothing isn’t the best strategy if you want **active results or fulfillment when you succeed. And yet if he did all the work, what exactly did you succeed at? Being the NPC for the player to interact with?

The pedestal made sense back when women had less political, occupational/Societal agency, that men approach & offer favors, drinks and the like. Things are different now.

• It’s unlikely OP wasn’t approached because they were ugly than it was/is the era people live in where approaching women is more a liability than a gain for most men. That’s 70% more likely to be why, than it is looks.

Otherwise: Ladies, you’re not the main character in the lives of men, please understand this: Just like women, men have lives. You “signaling” available is unlikely to stop their current agenda or trajectory 100% of the time, just to fulfill your immediate mating needs because at that given moment that’s what you silently want.

 (which vice versa is part of the problem with men picking up ladies on the street at random or catcalling).

Some may still approach you but Men owe you nothing. If you want something to happen, make it happen, speak.

• Looks, side glances, body language, looking around, pretending to be lost, signals, smoke signals, morse code etc. All these tactics just to avoid having to approach anyone, more of a performance, an act than actual flirting. Silliness.

“I had a friend teach me a trick in college. We were at a bar. She said to look around to spot your “hottie” then let them catch you looking at them. Then coyly look down when they notice. Repeat again a bit later then maybe 1 more time. If they’re interested they’ll come over. Obviously won’t work in all settings but could help. Definitely worked for us :)”

(Like I said, more of a performance, than flirting. Anything to avoid putting their ego’s at risk. Every little trick in the book to preserve their comfort zone, just to avoid showing weakness by just going to another human being and communicating like a normal person. It’s sad.)

 

Some guys don’t engage out of shyness, inept social skills, disgruntled, others out of rightful paranoia, the rest won’t waste their time; but this isn’t about them, even if we want it to be because “deflection”.

• This is about a norm- set up for women to use men to avoid putting themselves in a scenario of humility, vulnerability, being at the mercy of possible rejection.
• And so by keeping the ball in men’s court of approaching, women have the position of power to accept & reject, receive favors, drinks, offerings they didn’t earn, zero risk to their ego.
• And men are always on the back foot, giving giving giving, entertaining & offering and never in an equal position of consideration; “equal”, which is how it should be.

“zero risk to their ego. “

Which is why many women have emotional intelligence but are still emotionally incompetent.

Why? When your ego is gatekept & coddled, never tested, never pushed, then it will never mature.

Women having to approach is women giving up their situational pedestal & privilege.

And when men don’t play the part of the fool anymore without question/ or not as much, then we sit here & claim men are scared of rejection when *the entire point of women asking WHY aren’t men initiating, instead of women just initiating when men don’t (which is just common sense) is because WOMEN are terrified of doing anything that might even suggest they be subject to any possible rejection or challenge to their ego, hence deflection.

The “dating game” as it were was tailored around female fragility, which is why all women had to do was sit there, be approached and cast verdict. Ego intact. Convenient. Low quality mindset.

To initiate isn’t a dating skill, it’s a basic life skill you execute anywhere: at work, with friends etc. (Children are capable of this) So If you can’t get a man unless he’s crawling to you, how are you going to somehow keep one if you’re too scared to try to get one? If you’re that socially inept in this context, why date in the first place?

The “because you’re the man” NPC attitude is not worth anyone’s time, man or woman, as if one’s physical womanhood deadass cures cancer or something.

• Otherwise this implies that women have no agency in dating unless men are carrying them every step of the way, lies. 100% enabled laziness.

(but thankfully not all women sit back & expect something for nothing; some women spit game, plug-in and actually try)

In a context with a lesbian: who I assume eventually commits to approaching (& rejecting), paying etc. due to a lack of a man/ ie. “servant” to do everything,. Lesbians apparently can do it.

So why are straight women treating men with this overtone like “Approach me for the honor of spending money on me, to impress me, make me feel special.”- Main character syndrome

Women wanting approach is about control & convenience:, just stay home & chill and live life single- if you’re above approaching or too scared or can’t handle or adapt to having to step up your game to play an actual dating game vs a rigged pedestal simulator bent in women’s favor, feeling entitled to men’s attention for doing absolutely nothing. (Unbelievable)

“Women hate roles until Men stop doing theirs.”

Otherwise, the solution is mix up the formula, get out your comfort zone; Stop asking why men aren't just handing you their attention, you are not the main character. Deep breath, open your mouth, go shoot your shot, be yourself.

• If/when rejected, thank them for their time & if they were nice about it, thank them for that too; do that subconscious play women do when they place their hand on his arm or shoulder to assert assurance (if you're close enough).
• If you want to hardball gamble & insist that you'd make good company, fine. But don't ask "why" he said no & put him on trial in a scramble for control, cause your ego got wrecked.

Don't be a spoiled brat, otherwise take it like a champ and move the hell on: That's not looking desperate, that's called dating.

“Ps: Before someone says I should go approach others first, it’s generally not easy in my conservative society for a girl to approach a guy first.”

By “not easy”, I will assume she meant the conservative men or collective wouldn’t be comfortable with a woman asking or it’d be looked down upon. If that’s how it is; Leave or be the change. Otherwise it’s not an excuse to be passive, zero excuse.

• In general: we can’t complain about a problem then fore warn the repliers not to present the obvious solution (likely because OP already knew what she needed to do to fix the problem), which is basically omitting an easy solution because they came here looking for a “not your fault” clause.

If you want a date, don't hope he catches you looking at him, don't wait for him to treat you to free shit like he's daddy, go approach. You are not special. Disney lied to you.

Approach goes both ways or no way at all, men are not on this planet to perform for women at women’s convenience, on women’s terms, as if women are the only human beings in the situation (dating, friendships or marriages) that matter, this is partly why sex relations are in the garbage: It’s not all about women, women being impressed, nor their immediate conveniences.

• There are guys that approach & offer purchases to assert themselves and women reversing that makes some men feel like they have less control over the encounter; Another reason to dispel the foolishness.

Lastly, with all we expect men to do including possibly/hypothetically protecting her with his own life in a crisis, if need be; the least women can do to start an arrangement is just go say “Hi” (especially if she’s the one that wants his attention in the first place), make a friend at minimum.

TL;DR If you choose to date in the first place, if you want outcome, women owe it to themselves to take more initiative. Men are not psychic & being the womb bearer in the scenario doesn’t exempt you from ever having to feel rejection like the rest of us mere mortals, women are not special.

In men and women, “proactivity” is as attractive as it is an evolutionary advantage. Laziness, cowardice, apathy, uselessness, & entitlement in a person is a liability.